Courtney Love love

I had a couple of things I wanted to blog about today: the weird pressures put on women when they eat, the weird people who ride on my us, the weird history of Andrew Carnegie, but all that can be put on hold for a sec while I blog fondly and probably futilely about a possible Hole Reunion in 2010.

I can't even believe it And I don't believe it, because it will never happen. I don't even care if it is a whole Hole reunion, I want Courtney to go on tour so badly. I have never seen her, and I'm scared to see her. I'm afraid she would be mean to me, and she has meant so much to me as a symbol and as a musician in my young life.

It is true, there are very few other women who have had the kind of success that Courtney Love has for better or for worse. When I was just starting out as a wee lass listening to DC 101 there were not a lot of angry female voices (and oh how I was an angry young female). Pre-internet I had no idea the comfort that awaited me in peeps like Kathleen Hanna and Mia Zapata, and so had to wade through the Toris and the Natalies bored bored bored. But one gravely voice cut through, about a sky that was all violet or violence I could never tell, and I would jump up and down in my knock off converse.

As I grew up and sort of fell apart for a little while, it was always so nice to know no matter how badly I fucked up, it was ok because Courtney fucked up too. It was ok to try wearing make up and keeping the company of people who were bad for me, and to fall down- a lot (and I did fall down a lot). Because not matter how lost she/I were, there was below the surface a core that was strong, that made her/me different than those aforementioned bad people she/i had surrounded herself with. Plus, she says things like "I will rock my way out of this" and means it.

I knew this, about this depth about Courtney because of her songs. Ms Love once famously said "I lie a lot but never in my music" in the height of one of her craziest periods she released America's Sweetheart, still to this day one of my favorite albums from any artist. Even as the very people she allowed to interview her mocked and mourned her, her sad, strong songs stood up for her in a way she could never stand up for herself.

I can't even go into all the ways I was sort of obsessed with Courtney Love because it is too personal and in some ways too painful (I will however never stop talking about this if you get me going over a pitcher of booze) But all I can say is, a lot of magic is gone from rock for me now for many reasons. But in the back of my closet behind my graduation gown and my old halloween costumes still hangs pineapple baby doll dress. I save it for you Courtney, incase one day you come back.